


whom i trust, hath lifted his heel against me.

by projectfreelancer



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Religious Guilt, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 18:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9136207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/projectfreelancer/pseuds/projectfreelancer
Summary: raphael dealing with simon's betrayal.





	

**Author's Note:**

> sort of a character study on raphael & sort of unrequited saphael study.
> 
> mention of implied clary/simon (also unrequited, but.)
> 
> based on the show's characterization & raphael's past.

Raphael tries not to think of Simon. It’s hard not to. As if there’s a humming in his chest, God pulling him open and whispering,  _ If you think about him more, maybe he’ll come back. _

Simon doesn’t. He won’t, and Raphael knows this. Raphael doomed them when he puts his fangs on display and hisses, “Kill them.” Said he was disappointed in Simon, but only feels the emotion toward himself. Wants to get on his knees and beg God: for redemption, absolution, strength. He will not receive anything. God damns all blood drinkers  _ (Leviticus 17) _ . He does the sign of the cross anyways and says  **amen.**

He thinks of Simon, stuttering and failing over the word  _ God.  _ Of pouring blood into his mouth, mixing alongside the grave’s dirt. How, once he was nourished, he realized the ugly truth. Shouting, “I’m repulsive,” and Raphael’s heart dropping. He knows the phrase well.

Of course he follows after Simon when he runs (he’s still chasing him to this day). Reassurance to the Fairchild, “I’ll look after Simon.” Of course he does. He brought his body back to them, helped them revive the man, helped them whatever means necessary. He repeats it to Clary, back to Simon, and  in his head,  _ i didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t do this.  _ He means it. 

The redemption still never comes.

And when Simon says, “You’re a monster,” Raphael makes no argument. He is. Knows it, always will. God damns being a blood drinker. He’s known he was a monster since the day he was turned, perhaps even before he was turned, they can see their reflections in the mirror, unless you break the mirrors. Raphael knows it all well. Yet, when Simon pauses, death shrouding his face, “ _ I’m  _ a monster,” Raphael then feels pain. Camille has ripped all the life out of this boy, and Raphael knows how that feels. How it affects you. Raphael may break all his mirrors, but he still sees his reflection in Simon. That is one mirror he does not want to break.

And when Simon speaks up, raises his voice and his opinion, fear of Raphael gone, Raphael is impressed. “Baby’s first words,” he is saying, smile edging at his lips. He feels — proud, in a way. And Simon is replying, “Don’t make me regret them,” the feeling swells. Simon is unlike any he has met before. And Simon agrees to be apart of their world, and the Fairchild is sent off, and Raphael feels hope splinter his chest as he says, “Welcome home.” 

And when Simon shows to be more than impressive — always was impressive, memories of the cabinet clicking open, Raphael knows what’s coming, almost hopes for it to burst his heart, Simon throwing the dagger, so so  _ so  _ close to the organ, yet not close enough — he wants him to stay. Yearns for it, in ways he has not felt in ages. The boy rambles, is defiant, obsessed with the Shadowhunters, rebellious, but Raphael wants nothing more than to keep him around. He thinks of mirrors, but shoves the thought down. He never claimed to be selfless, and if he thinks he could find absolution in Simon, then no one else needs to know.

(Raphael saved himself. But he could not  _ forgive _ himself.)

He makes up a new title;  **advisor** _.  _ The lie is easy to see-through, a ridiculous sort of title, but Simon accepts it. Raphael wants to hope he accepts it because he wants to be here too, not just because he is afraid not to.

(No one asks him, but if they did, Raphael would say he saved Simon just for the accords. And that was true, he was being a good leader, but he did not need to care for the man. He did not need to keep him close, did not need to insist on training, did not need to lie to keep him with him. He did not need to let his heart break for him.)

Simon ends up betraying him. It’s too predictable that Raphael feels laughter claw at his throat. Raphael should have known God would not let him keep any sort of forgiveness; anything that proves he is more than a repulsive monster with no shred of humanity. Raphael should have seen it coming, staring into his eyes, the way the  _ fledgling  _ stares at the Fairchild’s eyes. Raphael was never number one — he was never even a choice.

(He wants to scream. Shout, “I saved you. I fed you. I cared for you, and wanted you. I lov — ”, but he knows it is pointless. God damns all blood drinkers. And there is no point in begging. He keeps his idealism of dignity, pride, arrogance, hisses, “Kill them,” and when the sun burns his hands, he imagines what it’d feel like to disappear in it.)


End file.
